Characters
The Housemates
Brendan - Evil Banker
Evicts as many widows and orphans as possible before breakfast in order to build up an appetite for his eggs and sausage. He buys his dream fixer-upper home. It's a money pit. But he doesn't care how much the rehab will cost, because he makes so much money as a banker. He also has a very cheap balloon mortgage payment, because his loan originated with his employer. His payment unexpectedly sextuples when he loses his evil banking job. He's unable to make the payment, because he can't find steady, gainful employment. He can't sell the house because of the real estate crisis he helped co-create. Partially rehabbed, totally a mess, who would possibly rent from him? He is a self-loathing loser and cigar-smoking alcoholic. He has a mother complex. He says she's perfect; she behaves like a perfect monster. He is constantly single, lonely, and horny. He is frequently cock-blocked on the first date before the beginning credits. He's constantly regretting the mistake he thinks cost him his job.
Sketchy The Squirrel
Sketchy is an omniaddict. He is addicted to everything you can be addicted to: television, sugar, bingo, drugs, sex, shoplifting, alcohol, cigarettes, and anything else classifiable as an addiction has been or will be an issue for Sketchy. Sketchy is arisen from "circumstances"; horrible childhood, brutal adolescence, unrelentingly bleak adulthood. Occasionally, circumstances lead to brief acts of humanity, but most frequently to acts of cruelty. Sketchy is constantly trying to A) find drugs, B) find money to pay for drugs, or C) run away from drug dealers. He is a wounded child, capable of all the extremes of beauty and brutality. Frequently works as a test animal, titty bar stripper/dancer (in a bikini).
Sketchy Theme Song:
Slimy The Poo
Dyed-green illegitimate cousin of a media superstar. He was sued by the megacorp that his cousin works for; as part of the settlement, he dropped the H from his last name. Slimy intends to run for, and win, political office in Cook County. However, he is never slimy enough to win. There's nothing about himself that he is unwilling to compromise, sell, or betray in order to "win". Sometimes an opportunistic campaigner for the rights of the asexual, Slimy is otherwise constitutionally incapable of any other political affectation beyond winning.
Lucious The Rabbitt
Lucious is a kind, seemingly gentle, know-it-all. Addicted to the sound of his own voice and being the center of attention. Has an overwhelming penchant for telling endless apocryphal tales about his exploits with an uncountable hoard of historical figures (which may or may not relate to the plot, or sub-plot, at hand). Lucious is "capable" of doing anything with degrees of anything with skill levels ranging from mediocre to dangerous: He can lasso cattle because of his experiences in the cattle drives of the 19th century; he can be a scientist, because he worked with Marie Curie, etc. He is a chameleon that would put Zelig to shame. He also is highly unpredictable and capable of unexpectedly Machiavellian behavior.
